I am upset....

All of my children have upset me at various times.  I too will definitely have upset them on numerous occasions, especially as I get older and they get more frustrated with my lack of memory, patience and general tiredness of having to cope with life in general.  Yes, I know I am a positive person, I know I fight the fight, but sometimes I dream of being lazy, boring, unenthusiastic, and definitely a lot less passionate about ......any number of things...the government, professionals, people who push in, people who spit in the street....just writing it makes me feel sick.....I'm gagging.

Anyhow that is the way it is people upset people.  Pippa and I have had some very stormy rows, mainly because she is a feisty little thing and thank the Lord for that.  How could she have survived if she was weak?  No chance.  But these arguments are usually started because of me saying no and her not wanting to accept that.  Plain and simple.  Same story that you hear all over the country on any night of the week.  Like most teenagers, though, I think Pippa went into teenagerhood at about ten, they don't like being told what to do.

This does not apply to SJ.  Saying no doesn't have the same effect, SJ accepts a no as long as there is a good enough reason.  However, ask her to do something and most of the time things are fine.  But just lately she doesn't want to, for no other reason, just cos she doesn't.  Sunday was going to be the day when we baked, together, mince pies, cake.  It started off fine, weighing and stirring etc.  Then we just had to leave it to boil for 5 minutes.  So I asked SJ to look at the clock and see what time it is now and what time we would have to wait till.  But she wouldn't come and see.  "It's nearly half past" she says.  Yes I agreed but nearly would not be good enough if we had to wait exactly five minutes.  "It's just gone twenty past" she says.  Yes I agreed but that's ten minutes difference, just come here and look at the time and we can check what time five minutes will be exactly.  No. No amount of cajoling, no amount of  pleading, no amount of asking nicely.  Just no. I was lost.  I had lost.  There was nothing else I could do.  I just said she could go to her room, so she did.  Putting her head round the door to ask when tea was ready.  Everything forgotten, everything alright.  For her but not for me.  I can't let go of my frustrations or my upset as that in turn would further upset SJ.

We made up later but I ached for a long time.....I think it will always be this way.  That makes me sad.

What happens if we are out somewhere and I ask her to do something, which has happened in the past, for example to come home from the pub and she just doesn't want to, as she is having such a great time.  I am knackered and just want to get to bed.  I try to cajole, try to entice but if she doesn't want to come no amount of persuading works.  So I stay.  But there will come a time when I will leave her to her own devices.  Then I will fret and worry as to what may or may not happen.  To put this into context we are about one minute from one pub and ten seconds from another so hardly enough time for anything to happen, but you never know.  You never know which day your card has got your number on it.  So I will fret and I will worry.  At least I can do that in peace and have had many, many years of practise.